Gary Coalmine's World

Dude, You're Getting Adele

2008-07-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so, there's this Limey soul singer I have noticed recently - she has a voice that sounds like she has smoked 4 packs of ciggies a day since 1968, but she's all of 20 years young. She's phenomenal. A real talent. She' the Bizzaro Amy Winehorse.

I say this 'cause she belts out jazzy soul-pop like The Equine Pop-Wreck, but she appears to run about 2 bills or so. I've seen the video on VH1. She's a husky gal, in other woids. You could probably fit 3 Winehorses into one leg of Adele's knickers.

I don't care. I'm in love. With Adele, that is. There's just more of you to love, babydoll.

As long as you whisper sweet somethings in my ear in that smoke-broken, or perhaps more accurately, that smoked turkey sangwich raspy voice of yours, I would continue to lovingly feed you Bangers & Mash in a Blanket or Baby Seals In Kentucky Gravy, or Flash-Fried Pay Day Bars or what ever your little heart desires.

Oh yeah. I'll Chase Your Pavement, baby. Chase it all the way to Tottenham and back for a whiff of your Beans n' Toast.

My little Bacon Beautie... sigh...

Reflections On The Final Countdown

2008-06-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

Y’know what would be awesome – if you had a Dirt Knapsack to take with you when you laid down for your Dirt Nap.
Whatever you could fit in the Dirt Knapsack you could take with you to the Other Side.
Which begs the question, what would you put in your Dirt Knapsack?

As for myself, I would include my Cutter & Buck windbreaker, my Carrots book collection, and 2 fifths of Cutty Sark.

The End.

Oh, Yes... my Final Reward will also include the Final Countdown.

Yes, the greatest song the Go-Go 80's had to offer.
By a little ol' band from Sweden? The magnificently coifed 'Europe'?
You know the one.

Anyways, their biggest hit stateside was the as-ever anthemic 'The Final Countdown', featuring the greatest synth-riff ever:
Dee-duh-dee-dee
Dee-duh-dee-dee-dee
Dee-duh-dee-dee... deeee... deeeee...

Yeah... so... I'm gonna have a little electric eye on my gravestone after I shuffle off (rocking the Dirt Knapsack, natch)
and when you step in front of my tombstone it'll go ahead and play that Final Countdown half-ass French Horn lick.
In 8-bit Nintendo format.
Loud and proud.

AND
I'm gonna scratch precious words from the song on the granite marker for my epitaph:

We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall
Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all
With so many light years to go and things to be found
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so.

... I don't know what that means but it's all pretty bitchin'.

Couldn't Joey Tempast (the lead singer of Europe and writer of Epic Ditty) have come with something better to rhyme with "Venus" than "seen us"?

Go ahead and scheme it, Zima breath.

Hee hee
That's what she said.
Or is it... he?

Gary out
Not the Closet
of the blog

Gothic Lumberjack Festival

2008-06-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

There are two events going on this weekend near my home - A festival of Goths in one place and a Lumberjack festival in another place.

I want to go to both, but y'know what wood be exponentially more fun? To combine 2 great tastes!
A Gothic Lumberjaack Festival!
Hell yeah, Mom!
Can I borrow the cah, maw?
I gotta go to the Gothic Lumberjack Fetival!
What?
What is it?
Well, its - goddammit, ma... can I just borrow the cah?
Please? PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE! PLEASE!
YES!
I'll get you wine-in-the -box!
And some Vahginahs!
I'll gas it up! MA! PLEASE!

I"LL BUY YOU SOME VIRGINAHS! CMON!

2008-06-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

See the vid! Uh huh...

I don't kow what is going on with those pants he has on
like the crotch is over his left leg or something
anyhoo it's entertaining
where'd he get that jacket
michael jackson garage sale?
he must get a ton of tail
so I wonder how he does those effects
I think he has pedals
I saw him hit one at like 3L47
3:47
no way
he has integrity
hehe
whatever
integrity?
yes
that is probably his room in the attic of his ma's house
maybe her jacket
you could make the same sounds with yer hand
uh oh
"Ma - i need to borrow yer jacket - I got a gig"
"MA! I'LL BRING IT BACK!"
aw, CMON!
5:15 PM
"MAAAAAAA! I'M BORROWING THE CAR FOR THE GIG TOO"
maybe his mom is bea aurthur
I PROMISE ILL PUT GAS IN IT CMON! PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE!
GAWD I HATE YOU! DAD WOULD HAVE LET ME TAKE IT IF YOU HADN'T PUSHED HIM DOWN THE BASEMENT STAIRS AFTE RYOU LOST THAT BRIDGE GAME
I"LL BUY YOU SOME VIRGINAHS! CMON!
hehe
that was fun
is this goign in your blog?
YES!
done and done
ALL DONE WITH MY BLOG! I'LL STOP SHOUTING NOW!

Brad what is his name -yes, Mephistophiles

2008-05-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

2:39 PM
totally
2:40 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VAFIDVSF1k
you are going to like this
holy crap
Sorry to be a debbie downer but P. Swayze might have seen his last X-mas
Sob
that was incredible
no way - he's gonna say to the grim reaper it's my way or the highway
it's time to not be nice - to the big 'C'
... and by big 'C' i mean... y'know...
2:45 PM
hehe
I think someone should tell him it's time to not be nice
no, he tells you when it's time
well he needs to smack down the big C
exactly
he needs to not let the Big C drive a monster truck thru his pancreas
right
let the giant polar bear of death crush him
he needs to send the Big C flaoting back across the pond - defeated
floating
flatulating across the pond
that too
did you like in that tribute where that dude was rocking on the porche
porch
actually RH is a giant metaphor
blog tyme
the old man w/ the beard is god
snap
P.S. is JC
sunnova
sent to heathen earth to clean it up (double deuce
yes!
garret or Wade? is John The Baptist... "mejo?
yes
exactly
kelly lynch is mary magoline
The meeting he has with the other bouncers? Last Supper
holy crap
that one claw dude was judus
the guy in the rocker is lucifer
sweet nelly
I can't wait to see what you come up with for your blog over the weekend
Brad what s his name -yes, Mephistophiles
dude
sean hates roadhouse
I think this might be a bit of a sticking point
this is my blog
not after you point out the metaphor
I guess he hates jesus
omg!
jeff Healy is like the Greek Choir
hehe

A. MY Winehorse won't record Bond track

2008-05-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

She won't record Bond track
http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/46570241

"Producer Mark Ronson says he and Amy Winehouse have abandoned recording the theme to the latest James Bond film because the singer is not ready to work."
"Ronson says the singer is "not ready to record any music." He produced much of Winehouse's Grammy-winning "Back to Black." He made the comments in an interview with Sky News on Friday."
"Ronson says the two started work on the track for the upcoming Bond movie "Quantum of Solace" but it would take "some miracle of science" to finish it."

Hmm? A. MY Winehorse can't drag her mal-noirished ass into the studio to crap out ONE song? Not an album of fresh material, mind you. One lousy Bond song?

How much energy and mental mettle does it take to slur and swallow your vowels to the point where it sounds like you're trying to sing whilst simultaneously cramming a large cranberry muffin down your throat?
If you're too fucked up to do that, you are mostly on the wrong side of dead.
You have one foot out of the grave.
You are pants-shitting drunk. (O.K., I stole that, but it's apt. APT, I tells ya.)
You are 60 beats shy of a pulse.
You are shopping at Dead Bathetic and Beyond the Grave in preparation for your High Threadcount Dirt Nap. (Whoo!)

Dig if you will the picture:
Pitcher catching that hair-hump from the top of A. MY Winehorse's head and making a cup o' tea thru it?
Mmmm... see you in hell, my friend.
If one were to quaff a sip..
Twood be a bad acid trip thru the bowels of hell accompanied by explosive diorama.
You'd be vomiting up nicotine resin and mutated lice and cat crotch lint and congealed morphine slurry and vapors and megrims and shit for like, 17 weeks or something.
Small price too pay.

I got nothing else.

EOM

Mmmm... (sigh) 'Gary Winehorse' - I'm writing that on my Pee Chee folder.

O.K., really eom this time

Cinco de Mayo Fun.

2008-05-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

Yes – they’re making a giant margarita. Later, we can swim in it.
--------------------------------------
Didja read this? We’re all going Hawaii! Yay!
I want to get my cave on with Vincent Price, if I you know what I mean.
-------------------------------------
Subject: Something to add to your Ed Begley, Jr.-esque sense of self-satisfaction...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080505/sc_livescience/howtofightglobalwarmingatd
_____________________________________________

Doh it didn’t work. Thanks for being my buzzkill. :(
_____________________________________
Sorry, here ‘tis...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080505/sc_livescience/howtofightglobalwarmingatdinner
_____________________________________
Yeah screw you, meat eaters. But honestly, if everyone was a veg, we would just have other problems. It’s the circle of life, baby.
_____________________________________

I think if we simply started to eat each other it would solve many of the world’s problems.
Especially if we kept it local. It wood cut down on the whole transport thing.
I smell almonds. I’m gonna eat ‘em.

It's blog-time - or a brain tumor. I'll roll either way.
_____________________________________
I know who I would start with, Sean. He is like chicken cordon blue, loaded with cheese.
_____________________________________
I agree – his life-long love of cheese would really pay off.
Mmmm... Cannibalicious...

eom
-------------------------------

I handed out Black Ice tree car-fresheners in observance of Cinco de Mayo today.
It's an old family tradition going back several weeks.

You gotta be careful how you say, "Black Ice" 'cause it can sound like you're saying, "Black Guys" and that can be trouble.
Trouble with a capitol 'T' for a transparently white mayonnaise-eating boy like me.

Enjoy Cinco de Mayonnaise, Zima breath...

eom

Garish out

Scarlett Johansson is the hottest boring chick ever.

2008-05-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

Less with the work, more with the margaritas. Maybe that is what that noise is, someone chipping ice off a block?
-------------

I d-ent know that our computer guy was nailing Scarlett Johansson – I gotta go give him the ol’ wink n’ thumbs up.
How does he do it?
--------------------------
1. Hehe yes, he is a man of many talents.

2. Does this mean another angst filled album in the future from mz morrissette?

3. Is it just me or is S.J. the oldest 23 year old on the planet?

----------------------------
Does this mean another poop-filled album from Miss Johansson?

Old? I don’t know. Talk about someone who, depending on the light, can go from hot to alien.
I find her confusing in a listless sort of way.
She’s the hottest boring chick I’ve ever – no, wait, put the light back the way it was - nevermind.

Sorry – this is my blog.
-------------------------------
Hehe like that one sienfield where jerry didn’t know which chick was going to show up... But it was all the same chick.
------------------------------
Zigactly.

eom

out

I'm A Culture Vulture & On Writing And So Forth.

2008-03-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

My fav Boob-Toob shows
I loves to watch my British comedies like...
'My Queer Old Dean'
'Bag O' Nails'
'Dry Bagging On-The-Heath'
'How Dare You, Sir'
'Booring Fops On-The-Fanny'
'What's All This, Then'
'The Boggie Chronicles'
'Feck Right Off'

My fav smashed wood-pulp sheets with the black bits printed on them...
'The Joys Of Scrimshawing Part 2'
'Dry Bagging On The Heath'
'Catch Her In The Wry'
'The Angina Monologues'
'The Joys Of George Bernard Shawing Part 4'

I'm gonna write a book the old fashioned way - I'm gonna eschew the werd processor and go back to using a fountain pen with a huge feather on it, dipping it in the india ink and scratching word-type-things on yellowed foolscap.
Then I would feel like I'm writing something, goddammit!
Something important.
Something for the ages.
Something that will run about 1600 words and will hopefully be published in the Swank magazine Reader's Forum.

Speaking of yellowed foolscap, this is how my stand-up act is gonna go. I just decided.
I'm going to dress up like a page boy (man) from the old days, complete with Prince Valient haircut, a foppish goatee, velvet tights, a huge feathered cap, and so forth. I'm going to stride out to center stage, unroll a huge scroll of yellowed parchment, and start reading in a loud, fruity voice with trilled 'r's, one filthy disgusting limerick after another. That's it. For 45 minutes.

"There once was a man named Dave, who kept a dead whore in his cave..."
"There once was a man from Nantuckett..."

Alright. I guess it's not that funny. What do you want from me? I'm a whorehouse, not a factory.

- Garish out

New Marvel Superhero Summer Blockbuster Film Treatment

2008-02-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

Contin. from prev. post - see how it all flows together like a delightful flurry of slurry?
The last word from last th' post was... irony.

Don't you think it would a much more powerful and interesting film if Stan Lee and the folks at Marvel simply added a 'y' onto the tittle of the new summer blockbuster they have comin' out this Summer?

See where I'm goin'? Yeah. Irony Man!

Instead of the Rocketeer part 2, with a dude that flies around in an iron suit, we get... Irony Man! A slight, earnest-looking pasty white man with a hemp tank top, berks, and horn rims whose only super power is the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning (thanks Merriam Webster) in a way that is so profound as to render the villian weak and confused for a few beats, pondering the very existential nature of his reality.

That's when Irony Man will go ahead and kick the bad guy in the balls.

This is powerful stuff.

Possible arch-enemies of Irony Man:
Melancholy Baby
Mercurial Girl
Captain Refractory
Doubting Thomas
Jungian Arc
Psycho Analy Sis
The Gunt

Irony Man's Teen-age sidekick and Traveling Companion:

Figurative Boy

NKOTB! WTF! WGAF! RAOFV!

2008-02-05T09:23:00.000-08:00

They're back, biyatches! Thanks, Sky-Daddy.
Is it possible for a musical group to announce that they are getting back together but not recording any new music OR touring? Ever?
Just getting back together.
Maybe to take a few photos.
Play some Gin Rummy. Drink a few beers.
I like that.
When it comes to NKOTB, that is.

Has Donnies acting career faded that far? I would think commercial voice-overs for Massengill would be a step up from getting back with the New Kids.
What, Donni, no offers from the Mexican soap operas? Guatemalan stump-porn industry? Bolivian snuff-films? No? Hmm.
Well, alright then - I guess the Donnies gotta do what the Donnies gotta do.

The funny thing is, I hear the hold-out to this much anticipated reunion is... Danny. Danny? Are you kidding? Wasn't he like, sloppy fifths? Imagine the 15 year old groupie in 1990 faced with the decision of whether to hum Danny or the 300-lb. bus driver with the club foot? That'd be a head scratcher. So to speak.

Get in your De Lorean and travel back to 1978. Say John and Paul wanted to get the Beatles back together for a big reunion tour - wouldn't that be like Ringo saying, "Uhh, I'm kinda busy right now - I've got this Bolivian snuff-film I'm starring in. Sorry, fellahs." WTF? Irony.

Garish out

Garee's Garish Muvee Review:We've Gone From Titillation To A Tittle Nation

2008-02-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

That's powerful stuff.

Juno

O.K., before I went to this flick I thot tit 'twas titled 'Jew... No!'
Hee hee..
Actually, I stole that from that one talk-box what the funny word-noises come out. Me no Anti-Semite. How many times have you heard Cookie Monster have to say that? Yeah. Makes you think.

Anyway, I gots to tells ya, that Ellen Page is some kinda cute little button. She's 20 years of age in real life. Wow! That means when she is 47 she will look all of 43. Dat's sumpin.

This movie is quirky. Very quirky. I mean it's Q to the U-I-R-K to the double fucking Y. It takes a 400 lb. halibut of Smirk Quirk and hits you over the head with it every minute and a half or so. If the Cloverfield monster was Cutsey Quirk this movie would be N.Y.C.

The relentless soundtrack with the helium-voiced girl singing insistantly over the noodled acoustic guitar was enough. To make me want to shove X-acto knives into my eardrums after the first song and a half. I loved it.

After 90 mins. of this 90's-ish wacky-syrup pancake confection, my kidneys noisily shut down and I gratefully slipped in to a diabetic coma.
Wheeeee.

EOM

Awesomely cool - first big numba one post

2008-01-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

This is so awesome. This is so cool.

Brett Michaels is such a word-smith.

Awesomely cool. You're rockin' my world, baby.

Oh no, I had the guyliner tattooed on a long time ago - yeah, right around 1989.

Cool.

These winsome blond locks are actually a special nylon-tungston-steel alloy wig.

Doubles as a safety helmet when I ride my bikes.

The customized bandana holds it all in place.

I'm bored already.